
How to Cope with Tantrums!
Have you ever been in the store and your child asks to buy something, you say no, and a parental horror scene unfolds that includes crying, screaming, throwing their body around etc..? Then no worries, you are a very normal parent! There are few of us parents that get by in our “parental lives” without having this happen to us at least once, if not numerous times over the course of our children growing up. As a mother of four I can tell you that each one of my children went through a stage of wanting every single item that they saw in the store, to the point that shopping became a nightmare. I began shopping only at places that had carts so that if "we” started losing composure, I could wheel us all into the family bathroom to re-group. I’m sure some of you reading this know exactly what I am talking about! That being said, my children have “mostly” outgrown that stage, at least to the point that I can rationalize with them anyway. So to all of you that are stuck in the middle of it right now, there is light at the end of the tunnel! I have listed below a few suggestions to help you through it.
Don’t give in to the tantrum. It is so hard and often VERY embarrassing when your child behaves this way, especially in public, but trust me when I say, giving in will only feed into this problem and your child will turn into a repeat offender. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. They can see that you are embarrassed and uncomfortable in the situation and often use it to their advantage. DON’T GIVE IN!
Remove them and yourself from the situation. On more than one occasion I have wheeled my cart full of crying, fighting or “tantruming” child(ren) straight into the public bathroom, or even straight out the door. Removing yourself from the situation will help you and the child to re-group and focus on resolving the issue rather than worrying about the gleaming eyes around you. You will be able to parent better when you are not being "scrutinized" by others. As for leaving the items in your cart or going out for a minute, the sales associates are usually pretty understanding. (obviously not leaving the store with unpurchased items, just leaving the items or cart there while you handle your child.) Carts or strollers work great in these situations.
Do not raise your voice, and try to remain calm. I always feel that this is a difficult thing to do because to some degree you are frustrated and/or angry at your child for this behavior. However, this will only heighten the child’s upset nature, as they were angry about not getting what they wanted and now their loving parent is angry at them which incites more emotions, none of which are good to calm down the situation and may only result in more crying. Try to keep your voice calm, as you are the one they are getting their cues from and if you remain calm, it is more likely that they will be able to calm down.
Distraction. I have found that snacks, toys and/or coloring sheets and crayons can be a great distraction and something to take their mind off of the situation. Another option if you do not have those items available with you, is to let them play with a toy in the cart while you are shopping. I have had some success with this method, although I have also had some difficulty having them give up the toy. That being said, what I began doing was at the end of the shopping trip, they would get to hand the toy to the cashier and tell them, "thank you!" so that they felt like they were a big girl or boy. I think they were so excited to hear the praise of the cashier for their great manners, that letting go of the toy didn't seem that important. Every child is different, so you can play around to see what works best for your child.
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5. The Corner. Pretty much every place that you go has a corner that you can "borrow" for a minute or two to put your child in a time-out. Stores, restaurants etc. This is a very useful tool, especially as they start to understand that naughty behavior = the corner, they begin to not want this, especially in front of others, as "people will know" that they were doing something naughty which required a consequence, aka... a stent in the corner. Sometimes the gentle threat of, "If you can't listen to mommy you are going to have to go in the corner," can be enough to stop the behavior once they know that you are serious and will follow through.
6. Consistency is key. Are these suggestions going to prevent tantrums? Of course not, as it is a normal, developmental stage that most children go through when they are testing our boundaries, which is exactly why we need to make sure that we stay consistent in our responses to their actions. For example, if one time you go to the store and say no, and follow through with not buying the item, but then the next time you go to the store when the child throws a tantrum, you purchase the item to keep them quiet, the tantrums may only get worse because they are learning that the longer they hold out, the more likely you are to give in.
7. Positive Reinforcement. It is also really important to show your child extra praise and attention when they make the right choice. If they calm down, or stop the tantrum and re-group, be sure to tell them how proud you are of them! Make a really big deal out of it! I truly believe that positive reinforcement is a huge key to success, as all children love to be praised. Heck, even adults like to be praised, which is why this is such a beautiful method of turning a bad situation into a beautiful moment with your child. You are rewarding them for making good choices, not with toys or material items, but with praise.
So hang in there!! Your child will eventually outgrow this behavior and you may soon begin to enjoy going out in public again with your child.
*NOTE: If you believe that your child's tantrums are getting worse despite your efforts, and/or may be the result of a medical situation, you should reach out to your child's pediatrician for additional options and/or testing.
Additional resources can be found at https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001922.htm
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