Communication Breakdown?: Try a New Way of Communicating with your Kids!

Have you ever had a total communication breakdown with your child?  Does it feel like you have to agree to disagree on things that should be a no brainer? I am going to tell you about a technique that I tried and how it truly broke through the communication gap I was having with my son (and at later times with my older children).

After years of parenting my own four kids, as well as, watching friends and family with their kids, it became clear to me that the area of communication can sometimes be very difficult for all of us, parents and children alike. It wasn’t until one day when my 8 year old son and I were having a conversation that led him to anger, tears and frustration, and me to total confusion, that I had an epiphany as to what to do when you just cannot seem to understand each other.

We were leaving my son’s basketball game one Saturday morning, and on the walk out a little boy on his team said goodbye to him.  I asked my son, “What is that boy’s name? Number 14?”  He replied, "I don't know who you are talking about." I went on, “he has brown hair and just said goodbye to you when we left.” He again said that he did not know who I was talking about and started to get very upset and angry. The conversation continued and the more I was trying to explain whose name I was asking for, the more upset he became.  I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening and why he was getting so upset.  So, using a great deal of restraint,  this is what I did…

l stopped talking/arguing. We got into the car and sat.  I lowered my voice, turned to face him, switched out of “frustrated” mode and used this mirroring technique. I asked him to please tell me exactly what I was saying that upset him. I let him go on and on so he could get it all out, and I did not interrupt him. Once he was done, I said, “Alright, what I hear you saying is…” and repeated back to him the words that he just said. He replied, “NO! that’s not what I am saying!” with tears in his eyes. It actually took a couple of times of him explaining and me mirroring/repeating back, for me to figure out what he was really trying to say and to understand what he was feeling.  By engaging in this back and forth, I began to understand that he was having trouble verbalizing what the problem really was, and that it wasn’t just this conversation with me about his teammate’s name that was upsetting him.  That conversation just tipped him over the edge.

I know what you are thinking…YES it was VERY difficult not to stop and explain myself or tell him he was wrong or being silly, however, it was in that moment, when I heard his perception of what I was saying to him, that I really understood.  His perception of our conversation was VERY different from mine!

In my mind, I was just giving him more information about the boy, such as what he looked like, his jersey number etc. so that he knew which boy I was talking about and that my son could then tell me his name. His interpretation of my questioning and giving details about the boy, amplified a feeling he had been having that everyone expected him to know everything all of the time, and he was frustrated because he didn’t know the boy’s name. So, I learned during the back and forth that he actually knew the boy who I was asking about, but didn’t know his name. Unfortunately, he said he did not know who I was talking about rather than, “ Mom, I know who you are talking about and I don’t know his name.” So I kept on describing him.  I would have stopped pressing, had I known that he actually knew who I was talking about, and that he was feeling this way, however, he had never verbalized it to me.  In my eyes I felt like he was getting unreasonably upset when I was asking a simple question.  In his eyes he was crying out in anger and frustration that he felt pressure and expectation to always have the answer to questions people were asking him, and that he doesn’t always know the answer. Once I understood the issue, I could address it! I let him know that I could understand why that would make him feel frustrated and sad because no one always has the answers to every question, and that it is okay to tell someone that you simply do not know.  This ending to our conversation finally put him at ease.

Sometimes we feel like we are clearly conveying a message to our children, or our children are conveying one to us, when unfortunately, there may not be a meeting of the minds. Both parties to the conversation may not be walking away with the same interpretation of what just happened. In that situation with my son, I would never have known he was feeling this way had I not taken the time to use this method, where I stopped talking/explaining, and instead, kept quiet, listened, and then repeated his words back to him so that he knew I was listening but still not understanding. That gave him the opportunity to re-phrase and re-explain differently so that I could truly understand what he was trying to say. 

I have since used this method not only with my older children, but even with my husband and my own mother. It is so easy to think you are getting your point across in conversation, unfortunately it is not always that simple.

So remember, sometimes when your child responds to you in a way you cannot understand, it may not be for the reasons that you think.  Take the time to find out!  You can’t fix a problem you don’t know exists.

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